If only people found out what I have done with my mom's brown singlet top, they will surely dropped their jaw to the floor and eventually throw my body with stones.
I am simply a liberated women with the face of an eternal teenager and the attitude of a brainiac, and I do not think anyone would ever suspecting of being there.
I don't think I am a sinner. I am just liberating what is inside me, and if the world has a problem with it, then it is theirs to keep.
Meanwhile, I enjoy the situations of our relationship today.
Showing posts with label very personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label very personal. Show all posts
January 3, 2010
November 24, 2009
cheating
Is she doing it again?
I have decided that I don't know, and don't wanna know. I am not going to be fuzzy with it, as long as she can keep it away from me. For I am done with her love life. Period.
I do wonder, though. Why does it so hard for her to deal with her loneliness herself? I mean, seriously, I don't get it. I don't have any trouble being alone and partner-less. But then again maybe that is my autistic side doing the talking, and it just doesn't work for people like her.
Someone once asked me whether I still need to have a father figure in my life or not. My answer was no. Though I could imagine my subconscious banging the trapdoor to my awaking mind, yelling rebuttals at my statement, I still firmly believe that I don't need it anymore.
The reason is pretty simple. When you lost something in your life, you're going to spend your life struggling to find it. You're going to search frantically for it, and once you found it, you're going to hang on to it pathetically, and got weakened by this certain object as time goes by.
And the bad guys could possibly use it to their advantage. I don't need to explain any further, but she is a clear example on how you shouldn't show anyone that you got this hole in your soul, unless you want them to use it as a bait.
Therefore, thou shall not show the world that you got a hole in your soul. In fact, it would be even better if you don't have any at all.
That is why I decided to stand proudly and yell, "I don't need a father figure!", for I had to indoctrinate my conscience (at least) to be free of holes and wants. So that nobody will take advantage of me. So that I'm not going to spend my life craving for something I don't have. So that I would be free of being clingy.
And it's just sad to see her being holed up like that
I have decided that I don't know, and don't wanna know. I am not going to be fuzzy with it, as long as she can keep it away from me. For I am done with her love life. Period.
I do wonder, though. Why does it so hard for her to deal with her loneliness herself? I mean, seriously, I don't get it. I don't have any trouble being alone and partner-less. But then again maybe that is my autistic side doing the talking, and it just doesn't work for people like her.
Someone once asked me whether I still need to have a father figure in my life or not. My answer was no. Though I could imagine my subconscious banging the trapdoor to my awaking mind, yelling rebuttals at my statement, I still firmly believe that I don't need it anymore.
The reason is pretty simple. When you lost something in your life, you're going to spend your life struggling to find it. You're going to search frantically for it, and once you found it, you're going to hang on to it pathetically, and got weakened by this certain object as time goes by.
And the bad guys could possibly use it to their advantage. I don't need to explain any further, but she is a clear example on how you shouldn't show anyone that you got this hole in your soul, unless you want them to use it as a bait.
Therefore, thou shall not show the world that you got a hole in your soul. In fact, it would be even better if you don't have any at all.
That is why I decided to stand proudly and yell, "I don't need a father figure!", for I had to indoctrinate my conscience (at least) to be free of holes and wants. So that nobody will take advantage of me. So that I'm not going to spend my life craving for something I don't have. So that I would be free of being clingy.
And it's just sad to see her being holed up like that
November 10, 2009
October 24, 2009
hoodie
When I was 12 or 13, I could never leave home without my hoodie. Wearing a hooded jacket was such a huge trend during those early 2000 days, but I had my own personal reason for being unable to part with it.
I fear that whenever I go out I might accidentally meet my father. And when I do, i just had to hide my face and run as far as I can. And I was not being paranoid. It did happen once or twice.
Don't ask me how I hate living in fear, especially if it was of your very own parents. I hate it, so so much. More than any KoRn's hit songs could ever describe.
But, shoot, years go by and when I thought I could finally live my life free of fear and anger, this person showed up in my life.
Never before I became so enraged at his selfish, sadistic, stupid, out of date ways of living and thinking. Knowing how he always backstabbed me and how he once hit my mother and my sister, and is always so cruel with the pets, geez, I think it is just natural if I began to think that if I spend too many times being home alone with him, I might end up as one of those dead bodies flowing at Kalimalang.
Call it being paranoid. But if you never had what I had before, if you never got to life with Fear, then shut up. I do not need your clueless comments.
I fear that whenever I go out I might accidentally meet my father. And when I do, i just had to hide my face and run as far as I can. And I was not being paranoid. It did happen once or twice.
Don't ask me how I hate living in fear, especially if it was of your very own parents. I hate it, so so much. More than any KoRn's hit songs could ever describe.
But, shoot, years go by and when I thought I could finally live my life free of fear and anger, this person showed up in my life.
Never before I became so enraged at his selfish, sadistic, stupid, out of date ways of living and thinking. Knowing how he always backstabbed me and how he once hit my mother and my sister, and is always so cruel with the pets, geez, I think it is just natural if I began to think that if I spend too many times being home alone with him, I might end up as one of those dead bodies flowing at Kalimalang.
Call it being paranoid. But if you never had what I had before, if you never got to life with Fear, then shut up. I do not need your clueless comments.
October 1, 2009
a secret
My beloved one just shared me one of his deepest, darkest secret. Something that would possibly make people turned away from him, as it has something to do with... A certain form of a sexual fetish.
I'm shocked, to be certain, though I have seen it coming. Yet as strange as it seems, I don't think I hate him for it. Or even scared of him. In fact, I think I can accept him just the way he is, with all his eccentricity and differences. And perhaps, that's why I love him at the first place
I'm shocked, to be certain, though I have seen it coming. Yet as strange as it seems, I don't think I hate him for it. Or even scared of him. In fact, I think I can accept him just the way he is, with all his eccentricity and differences. And perhaps, that's why I love him at the first place
August 26, 2009
Kura-kura
Belakangan ini, saya menjadi semakin mirip kura-kura.
Begitu ada sesuatu yang menyakitkan saya, saya akan langsung berlari ke kamar saya. Meringkuk di sudut. Menutupi muka dengan bantal (diam-diam) berharap hendak membekap nafas sendiri.
Bersembunyi, seperti kura-kura.
Saya juga mirip kura-kura karena tubuh saya begitu lunak, begitu sensitif. Begitu mudah sakit.
Satu hal menghantam saya dan saya akan langsung berlari ke kamar, meringkuk dan bersembunyi.
Seperti kura-kura yang hanya keras di tempurungnya saja, mungkin saya hanya kuat di permukaan saja.
Dan entah kapan akan ada yang bertanya mengapa sejak kecil saya begitu sering bersembunyi di kamar, dan sadar bahwa jawaban yang saya berikan bukanlah jawaban yang sesungguhnya.
Begitu ada sesuatu yang menyakitkan saya, saya akan langsung berlari ke kamar saya. Meringkuk di sudut. Menutupi muka dengan bantal (diam-diam) berharap hendak membekap nafas sendiri.
Bersembunyi, seperti kura-kura.
Saya juga mirip kura-kura karena tubuh saya begitu lunak, begitu sensitif. Begitu mudah sakit.
Satu hal menghantam saya dan saya akan langsung berlari ke kamar, meringkuk dan bersembunyi.
Seperti kura-kura yang hanya keras di tempurungnya saja, mungkin saya hanya kuat di permukaan saja.
Dan entah kapan akan ada yang bertanya mengapa sejak kecil saya begitu sering bersembunyi di kamar, dan sadar bahwa jawaban yang saya berikan bukanlah jawaban yang sesungguhnya.
August 24, 2009
of broken homes and shattered glasses
I sympathized Marshanda, Kurt Cobain, and all those with a broken home family as a background.
I know how shitty it feels to have people (from the media to our own parents) talk, while they have not even a single piece of clue of what is going on and most importantly, how you feel.
They can only talk the talk, took some words from the bible and said it as if God himself has said it to them.
And they still able to say the magic words, "are you mad at us?"
They gotta be kidding. Sure we do. And don't blame us for it. We have every reason to justify it, more than you can poke a glowstick at.
It still amazes me how the background could affect us so much, though.
I know how shitty it feels to have people (from the media to our own parents) talk, while they have not even a single piece of clue of what is going on and most importantly, how you feel.
They can only talk the talk, took some words from the bible and said it as if God himself has said it to them.
And they still able to say the magic words, "are you mad at us?"
They gotta be kidding. Sure we do. And don't blame us for it. We have every reason to justify it, more than you can poke a glowstick at.
It still amazes me how the background could affect us so much, though.
August 21, 2009
bersyukur
Ini bukan sebuah postingan yg terlalu religius, yg diakhiri dgn ucapan selamat puasa atau semacamnya.
Sering saya bertanya, mengapa dalam usia yg begitu muda saya telah mengalami hal2 yg bagi banyak orang mungkin hanya terjadi di film (orangtuanya saya bercerai di usia 5 tahun. Setahun kemudian ayah saya mulai 'kemasukan setan', mengancam akan membunuh nenek saya, dan mendekam di Salemba pada usia 12. Belum lg kejadian dgn ibu saya baru2 ini).
Dan belakangan ini, mungkin saya telah menemukan jawabannya.
Saya dihajar habis2an oleh nasib pada awal hidup saya sebagai bentuk konsekuensi atas sebuah permintaan yg selalu saya ucapkan dalam tiap doa2 saya, baik sadar maupun tidak. Bahwa impian terliar saya adalah memiliki dunia dgn kecerdasan dan kekuatan diri yg saya miliki, dan tampil ke depan dgn segala yg istimewa dlm diri saya.
Dan pencapaian seperti itu membutuhkan kerja keras. Mental baja. Sama sekali bukan untuk yg klemer2.
Dan Tuhan sepertinya berminat untuk mengabulkan permintaan saya. Oleh karena itu, Ia mempersiapkan saya. Ia menempa saya. Ia melatih saya.
Agar saya cukup kuat dan layak untuk memegang mimpi2 saya sendiri.
Sungguh, saat ini tidak ada rasa sesal pada masa lalu. Hanya ada rasa percaya pada masa depan.
Sebuah pemikiran yg menyenangkan di awal bulan suci.
Mungkin sedikit ucapan selamat akan membantu.
Sering saya bertanya, mengapa dalam usia yg begitu muda saya telah mengalami hal2 yg bagi banyak orang mungkin hanya terjadi di film (orangtuanya saya bercerai di usia 5 tahun. Setahun kemudian ayah saya mulai 'kemasukan setan', mengancam akan membunuh nenek saya, dan mendekam di Salemba pada usia 12. Belum lg kejadian dgn ibu saya baru2 ini).
Dan belakangan ini, mungkin saya telah menemukan jawabannya.
Saya dihajar habis2an oleh nasib pada awal hidup saya sebagai bentuk konsekuensi atas sebuah permintaan yg selalu saya ucapkan dalam tiap doa2 saya, baik sadar maupun tidak. Bahwa impian terliar saya adalah memiliki dunia dgn kecerdasan dan kekuatan diri yg saya miliki, dan tampil ke depan dgn segala yg istimewa dlm diri saya.
Dan pencapaian seperti itu membutuhkan kerja keras. Mental baja. Sama sekali bukan untuk yg klemer2.
Dan Tuhan sepertinya berminat untuk mengabulkan permintaan saya. Oleh karena itu, Ia mempersiapkan saya. Ia menempa saya. Ia melatih saya.
Agar saya cukup kuat dan layak untuk memegang mimpi2 saya sendiri.
Sungguh, saat ini tidak ada rasa sesal pada masa lalu. Hanya ada rasa percaya pada masa depan.
Sebuah pemikiran yg menyenangkan di awal bulan suci.
Mungkin sedikit ucapan selamat akan membantu.
August 2, 2009
a rather peculiar need
I'm in need of compliments. Sincere ones. Of anything.
I need to have anyone telling me that I'm smart. Pretty. Nice. Anything. Just tell me that for once in my life I do things right, that my judgment is correct, n my decisions are somewhat satisfactory.
I always got this certain insecurity of not being good enough. Of being unable to compete with others. Of failing to fulfill the expectations given to me by others. Of not doing the right things. Of being average. Of not being precious enough to get noticed and complimented.
I wanted him, you, anyone.
Please.
A sincere, simple one would be enough.
I need to have anyone telling me that I'm smart. Pretty. Nice. Anything. Just tell me that for once in my life I do things right, that my judgment is correct, n my decisions are somewhat satisfactory.
I always got this certain insecurity of not being good enough. Of being unable to compete with others. Of failing to fulfill the expectations given to me by others. Of not doing the right things. Of being average. Of not being precious enough to get noticed and complimented.
I wanted him, you, anyone.
Please.
A sincere, simple one would be enough.
July 13, 2009
Should I Take These Risks?
One says that in order to achieve happiness, you should dare yourself to take whatever risks it may cause.
In this case, it means to risk losing your dearest friend and replacing him with... that certain kind of relationship.
Am still too affraid of all the risks.
But this sudden realization (no, not sudden, actually. It's been there since a long time ago. Just never got to realize them or strong enough to admit it, even in my own head)...
My, such impact a person could have.
In this case, it means to risk losing your dearest friend and replacing him with... that certain kind of relationship.
Am still too affraid of all the risks.
But this sudden realization (no, not sudden, actually. It's been there since a long time ago. Just never got to realize them or strong enough to admit it, even in my own head)...
My, such impact a person could have.
July 7, 2009
No matter how strong she believed herself to be...
...she could not never deny the fact that it is so damn painful to be attacked from every direction.
It's crazy enough to have a fight with your best friend. Let alone to get backstabbed by your stepfather (Thank you. Now it's clear what kind of filth you are) and scolded by your classmates for something you are clueless about.
Duh. Am too tired to get mad.
It's crazy enough to have a fight with your best friend. Let alone to get backstabbed by your stepfather (Thank you. Now it's clear what kind of filth you are) and scolded by your classmates for something you are clueless about.
Duh. Am too tired to get mad.
June 2, 2008
Penat
Belakangan ini banyak hal yang mengganggu pikiran saya, berputar-putar di atas sana, mencuri perhatian, memancing emosi.
Beberapa hanya merupakan sesuatu yang saya lihat di TV. Kaum fundamentalis arogan, mahasiswa sok jago, penyanyi dangdut kurang pendidikan. Tapi yang satu begitu dekat dengan dunia nyata saya, hadir dalam bentuk yang praktikal, dan memaksa saya untuk ikut atau tidak ikut.
Bermula dari keputusan teman-teman saya untuk 'menukar arah' suatu tugas kuliah yang seharusnya merupakan tugas individual menjadi sebuah tugas kelompok tanpa sepengetahuan dosen yang memberi tugas. Alasannya supaya lebih mudah, padahal tanpa begitu pun tugas tersebut sudah begitu mudah. Pertanyaannya mendasar, semua topiknya sudah didiskusikan di kelas, bahkan semua jawaban dapat ditemukan di catatan kuliah dan fotokopian yang sudah diberikan. take home test pula. Kurang mudah apa lagi?
Tapi entah bagaimana teman-teman saya memutuskan akan lebih mudah lagi ('lebih mudah lagi'? Kalau mau cari yang mudah saja, ya balik aja ke TK sana!) jika tugas ini dikerjakan beramai-ramai. Kelompok si A kerjain nomor satu, kelompok si B kerjain nomor tujuh. Terus jawabannya ditukar lewat USB n di-copy ke komputer masing-masing. Dikumpulkan sebagai tugas individu, beres!
Tapi buat saya urusannya tidak semudah itu.
Pertama dari faktor 'kemudahan' itu sendiri, yang sudah saya buktikan dengan berhasil menjawab tiga nomor dalam semalam saja, tanpa harus rame-rame kayak orang nonton bola.
Kedua dari faktor kepercayaan. Mungkin saya terlalu cupu. Tetapi ketika sang dosen telah memberikan kepercayaaan pada mahasiswanya untuk mengerjakan suatu tugas, tapi kemudian kita melakukan violasi terhadap kepercayaan tersebut hanya karena rasa malas susah itu, rasanya besok-besok tidak usah memuji dan mengagungkan dosen favorit kita ini lagi deh. Karena buktinya kita tidak benar-benar menghormati dia. Hanya sekadar menganggap dia cool karena masih muda. Sekadar reminder, perasaan baru kemarin ya kita kena marah dia?
Terakhir, yang membuat saya gelisah setengah mati dari dulu, seburuk ini ya etos kerja orang Indonesia? tidak berani gerak kalau tidak ada temannya. Tidak berani menjawab kalau belum yakin jawaban temannya juga sama. Semuanya yang penting ngumpul, bahkan untuk sekadar mengerjakan sesuatu yang sangat mudah yang harusnya dikerjakan sendiri. Saya tinggal mikir untuk soal nomor lima, nomor yang lain biar jawabannya dari teman-teman. Lalu tugas dikumpulkan atas nama saya. Pantas ya kita dapat gelas surga pembajak! Karena mahasiswa UI pun mentalnya masih contek-contekan!
Sampai sekarang kepala saya masih penat. Di sisi lain saya yakin akan keputusan saya. Tapi saya pun takut dianggap sok jago, sok idealis, sok pintar. Saya benar-benar bingung. Saya takut kalau saya cerita soal ini ke orang-orang, seperti biasa saya hanya akan mendapat cap sebagai pribadi anti-sosial. Terlepas dari selemah apa pun lingkungan sosial saya itu.
Beberapa hanya merupakan sesuatu yang saya lihat di TV. Kaum fundamentalis arogan, mahasiswa sok jago, penyanyi dangdut kurang pendidikan. Tapi yang satu begitu dekat dengan dunia nyata saya, hadir dalam bentuk yang praktikal, dan memaksa saya untuk ikut atau tidak ikut.
Bermula dari keputusan teman-teman saya untuk 'menukar arah' suatu tugas kuliah yang seharusnya merupakan tugas individual menjadi sebuah tugas kelompok tanpa sepengetahuan dosen yang memberi tugas. Alasannya supaya lebih mudah, padahal tanpa begitu pun tugas tersebut sudah begitu mudah. Pertanyaannya mendasar, semua topiknya sudah didiskusikan di kelas, bahkan semua jawaban dapat ditemukan di catatan kuliah dan fotokopian yang sudah diberikan. take home test pula. Kurang mudah apa lagi?
Tapi entah bagaimana teman-teman saya memutuskan akan lebih mudah lagi ('lebih mudah lagi'? Kalau mau cari yang mudah saja, ya balik aja ke TK sana!) jika tugas ini dikerjakan beramai-ramai. Kelompok si A kerjain nomor satu, kelompok si B kerjain nomor tujuh. Terus jawabannya ditukar lewat USB n di-copy ke komputer masing-masing. Dikumpulkan sebagai tugas individu, beres!
Tapi buat saya urusannya tidak semudah itu.
Pertama dari faktor 'kemudahan' itu sendiri, yang sudah saya buktikan dengan berhasil menjawab tiga nomor dalam semalam saja, tanpa harus rame-rame kayak orang nonton bola.
Kedua dari faktor kepercayaan. Mungkin saya terlalu cupu. Tetapi ketika sang dosen telah memberikan kepercayaaan pada mahasiswanya untuk mengerjakan suatu tugas, tapi kemudian kita melakukan violasi terhadap kepercayaan tersebut hanya karena rasa malas susah itu, rasanya besok-besok tidak usah memuji dan mengagungkan dosen favorit kita ini lagi deh. Karena buktinya kita tidak benar-benar menghormati dia. Hanya sekadar menganggap dia cool karena masih muda. Sekadar reminder, perasaan baru kemarin ya kita kena marah dia?
Terakhir, yang membuat saya gelisah setengah mati dari dulu, seburuk ini ya etos kerja orang Indonesia? tidak berani gerak kalau tidak ada temannya. Tidak berani menjawab kalau belum yakin jawaban temannya juga sama. Semuanya yang penting ngumpul, bahkan untuk sekadar mengerjakan sesuatu yang sangat mudah yang harusnya dikerjakan sendiri. Saya tinggal mikir untuk soal nomor lima, nomor yang lain biar jawabannya dari teman-teman. Lalu tugas dikumpulkan atas nama saya. Pantas ya kita dapat gelas surga pembajak! Karena mahasiswa UI pun mentalnya masih contek-contekan!
Sampai sekarang kepala saya masih penat. Di sisi lain saya yakin akan keputusan saya. Tapi saya pun takut dianggap sok jago, sok idealis, sok pintar. Saya benar-benar bingung. Saya takut kalau saya cerita soal ini ke orang-orang, seperti biasa saya hanya akan mendapat cap sebagai pribadi anti-sosial. Terlepas dari selemah apa pun lingkungan sosial saya itu.
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