November 24, 2009


Is she doing it again?

I have decided that I don't know, and don't wanna know. I am not going to be fuzzy with it, as long as she can keep it away from me. For I am done with her love life. Period.

I do wonder, though. Why does it so hard for her to deal with her loneliness herself? I mean, seriously, I don't get it. I don't have any trouble being alone and partner-less. But then again maybe that is my autistic side doing the talking, and it just doesn't work for people like her.

Someone once asked me whether I still need to have a father figure in my life or not. My answer was no. Though I could imagine my subconscious banging the trapdoor to my awaking mind, yelling rebuttals at my statement, I still firmly believe that I don't need it anymore.

The reason is pretty simple. When you lost something in your life, you're going to spend your life struggling to find it. You're going to search frantically for it, and once you found it, you're going to hang on to it pathetically, and got weakened by this certain object as time goes by.

And the bad guys could possibly use it to their advantage. I don't need to explain any further, but she is a clear example on how you shouldn't show anyone that you got this hole in your soul, unless you want them to use it as a bait.

Therefore, thou shall not show the world that you got a hole in your soul. In fact, it would be even better if you don't have any at all.

That is why I decided to stand proudly and yell, "I don't need a father figure!", for I had to indoctrinate my conscience (at least) to be free of holes and wants. So that nobody will take advantage of me. So that I'm not going to spend my life craving for something I don't have. So that I would be free of being clingy.

And it's just sad to see her being holed up like that

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