June 26, 2007

And now I began to grieve for myself. Really badly

Sitting in a wooden chair in the clinic's lounge, facing a scene from a cheesy soap opera by the TV. With him as my company, and an old Chinese couple and an angry-faced Chinese man on the other side.

I coughed violently, and he pat my back to ease my pain. Gently, yet for a while, it kind of shocked me. For it has been a while since the last time I feel something that warm; something that deeply touched my heart, made me feel secure and warm.

This is where i realize that I had such a pathetic condition. I spent my day and had dinner in his house, with his family. It was fun, i had such a great time. But it also wrecked my heart, knowing that I never had such moment in my own house for such a long time. Dinner time had been cold, and mom's face had always as sad as grey foggy air of Puncak. No converstaion involved, so don't even think of laughter and jokes.

And the pain that I always had within myself ever since I was kid had only worsen; I always thought that my family is not normal as a kid, regarding the fact that I always have to share my life with my mother and my father at different places. And who else had to spend their teenage years trying to esacape from their own father, for fear of his madness that occured everytime he got high??

I have realize that those facts are the reality that i have to face -a twist of fate that I have to deal with and accept as my life. But pain never been this real. I have been hurt so many times that I thought I could never feel pain anymore, but it turns out they would always been there.

I have been 'sober' for a while -being free of danger and living my life in total freedom. And I am indeed an optimistic person, and indeed have a positive outlook in life. yet I also began to feel -though I have thought of it ever since many years ago- that there is a big wound in my life, and just like any other big physical wound, you can try to heal them through surgery and stuff, but the scar would always be there, giving such kind of marks on your skin.

Geez would it never go away?? I crave for peace really badly and wish hard to have a happy and peaceful family. if I cannot have it today, I would like to have it on my own when I got married someday.

I dreamed of having a nice and comfortable home where I am going to have a tranquil life with my spouse. We are going to fill our family with love, laughter, and intellectualism, and my spouse and i are going to collaborate well to make i happen and keep it -there would be no hierarchy of 'daddy works and mommy stays at home'. And I hope that he's going to be a great father -so that my children would not have to experience what I experienced.

But it is hard, for the brutal truth is, I dunno how to get there. I cannot even imagine how does it feel to live together with boh of your parents. It is such a foreign concept to me, and seeing my friends', it made me think that "Geez, it turned out that those ideas are real! as in, really happened".

I know I often said that I rejoice the pain that I had for it made me stronger. That my family-life had given me a base to create a strong personality and attitude. I know and realize that I still feel deeply grateful for what I have, for I still could see the light even out of the darkest tunnel. And that I do not believe in saying those narrow-minded words of "I'm the unluckiest person in the world". Rubbish.

It's just that pain had been real these few days. And I feel that a little cry can do me some good.

There's just to much things down there in the bottle.

No comments: